Attack of the Mutant Potatoes

In the sands of a remote North Carolina island, home to Blackbaird, one of the wealthiest and cruelist pirates in the world, mutant potatoes suddenly appear.  Having seen them with his own eyes, Blackbaird  knows it only means one thing:  an attack of the mutant potatoes.

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The pirates would stand no threats.

“Come any closer and we shall be forced to julienne you with our swords or turn you into mashed potatoes!” shouted Blackbaird.

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He waited for their response, but none came.  Instead, the three mutant potatoes inched closer to the ship, which was docked just 20 yards away from what looked to be the lead spud.


What was just three mutant potatoes, suddenly became countless. An army had formed.

In the dark, they multiply and mutate without a sound.
In the dark, they multiply and mutate without a sound.

Hidden below deck, the weapons lay ready.

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Grab your weapons, men!” There’s a whole army out there!”

“I’m not afraid of stinkin’ (and rottin’) potatoes!”  “Bahahahahahaha!”


You can say that again!”


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“You can say that again! You can say that again!”

“They are mutating again.   And getting closer.   Arm your battle stations!”

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“Ready. Aim. Fire!”

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The potatoes were no match for the cannons.

“Retreat, retreat!” commanded Captain Spud.

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Captain Spud knows he must save his men.

And just like that, a much greater threat to the potatoes appeared: Four giant, hungry guinea pigs! They were native to the island and loved potatoes.   Even mutant ones. Especially the mutant ones.

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I smell potatoes.
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“Whatever he said.”
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“Did someone say potatoes?”
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“Can’t we just eat grass?”

One by one, the potatoes began to disintegrate out of sheer terror.  It was not a pretty sight. Other potatoes watched in horror, unable to reverse the damage.

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“We need back up. We need back up!”
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The pirates were relentless. “Fire!”

Suddenly, the mutant potatoes vanished into thin air.

Word is… they are still there.   Every once in awhile, a drunken beachcomber will swear he saw a mutant potato.  Or was it a crab?

"I'm a crab."
“I’m a crab.”

The End

*This is what happens when I finally get to cleaning out the potato basket in my pantry and hanging out with my son and his favorite pirate ship.


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